Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Group urinating and stage fright.

   I think I'm the only person in the world that has this problem. Well, problems. The first is people who go pee at the same time. I understand some females don't like going into pubs/clubs toilets alone due to "safety", but talking to your mate in the next cubical is just weird. I'm fairly certain your conversation can wait until you've finished urinating.
   Then, you have girls going into the same stall together...WHY?! That's just uncomfortable unless your holding her hair out the way for projectile vomit. Also, peeing with the stall door wide open is not acceptable. At all. It's not cool and I don't need to see your 'hairy beaver' empty it's vodka tummy bladder like there's no tomorrow. It just makes the whole room uncomfortable, it's not a case of being confident or 'it's natural' it's fucking disgusting and with a vagina like that love I wouldn't put it on display so I can feel sorry for the poor sap you pull later into the night and feel puke at the back of my throat after recalling the repulsive view. Here's £12.50 for a wax, atleast you have the arguement of being hygienic over your not so pretty genetelia. Yuck.
   Which then brings me to another point. Maybe this doesn't seem like an issue to most people, I can imagine guys high fiving peeing next to each other (no matter what the one stall rule is, if you're drunk, you're drunk) but if you're like me, it is. I get stage fright. By this, I mean if I have to pee, I find a stall far away from everyone else, wait for someone to use the handdryer or flush, then pee. Maybe it's strange being self consious at the thought your pee is too loud, but it's like coughing in a quiet room of people, you feel rude. But then, on a night out, you have people trying to speak to you, your mate demanding you MUST pee at the same time as them, people knocking on the stall door.
    "Sammy? Sammy? Is that you hen? Sammy? SAMMY GONNAE ANSWER ME?"
     I'm not this Samantha character you speak of love, but I am praying she speaks up soon because while my knickers are at my ankles in this situation I'm not going to call back that your beloved 3 stalls down and that you has the wrong chick. But this isn't just in public. This is at home too, the biggest culprit being my fucking Mother.  I say 'fucking Mother' because she never remembers my urinating shyness, and when she does, she finds it amusing. I'll be sitting there, waiting for my body to go into auto-release and it starts.
    "Ainsley-Ferin, are you hungry?"
     Oh fuck, I am hungry, not now not now not now!
     "Ainsley-Ferin! Are you in there?"
     "Are you ignoring me?"
     "I just asked if you were hungry don't moan."
     "MUM-oh my god. Yes, I'm hungry now go away!"
     "Aw ok, wait, is this bothering you?"
     "Mum don't do this."
     "I'll sing to calm you! I know you I walked with you once apon a dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam!"
     "MUM FUCK OFF!"
      You get the picture. She's evil. It's times like that I feel ready to man up, rip off the toilet seat and swing it off her napper. But then I remember, dear Amanda is built like a brick shit house and could kick her younger daughter's arse without trying. So I have yet to rip off the toilet seat and proceed. And alas I have to deal with this evil torture and natural hate of 'urinatinal shyness'. So please, be courtious on nights out, pee in one stall, ALONE and just wait for your friends to come out. Infact just don't speak to people doing pee pees. You evil bastard.

1 comment:

  1. it's one space on the stalls unless all are full the it's a free for all.